


Pseudo memories

by mottal



Category: Bleach
Genre: Developing Relationship, M/M, suicide of minor character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-03
Updated: 2015-07-03
Packaged: 2018-04-07 10:42:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4260300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mottal/pseuds/mottal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Renji collapses during a meeting, leaving all in attendance understandably concerned, one taichou more than most. A tidal wave of unfamiliar memories, a possibly life threatening condition and the realization of feelings between a certain lieutenant and his captain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pseudo memories

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so. This is my first Bleach fic, and Byaren is my ultimate Bleach OTP. I feel the need to say that the first part of this fic isn't exactly chuck full of byaren, mostly Renji angst and set up for the story, the end is more shippy. And next chapter is more about the couple than the first chapter. (Also I suck at summaries so thanks for even clicking on this fic!)

Renji could barely stifle a yawn. He knew full well that these captain and lieutenant meetings were important, and he tried his best to pay attention, he really did. Most days he had no problems staying attentive, despite popular belief he was a rather great worker. If he weren’t it was highly doubtful Kuchiki-taichou would keep him around, no matter how powerful he was. But damn, with nothing going on the meeting was just so boring. Add to that the fact he’d been up up just a little too late drinking sake with Yumichika and Ikkaku, well, this meeting was just a bit hard to get through. Not to mention he’d had the worst headache for days, stupidly he’d thought a couple drinks would help out, but it only exasperated the problem, as today it seemed like the headache was ten times worse. 

Getting through this meeting would be a fucking blessing, he thought, especially with the way Kurotsuchi-taichou kept shouting. Something or another about funding for a new research facility, Renji really didn’t care, but Kurotsuchi-taichou’s voice was grating at his head like nails on a chalk board. He may have stifled the yawn, but he just couldn’t help the action of pinching the bridge of his nose and rubbing, he needed at least a little relief to this god awful headache, but unfortunately it didn’t bring even that. 

“So, that is why I feel as if funding for a new research facility is necessary...’’ As usual, Kurotsuchi-taichou was talking just a tad above normal while excited, and as usual his voice was grating and unpleasant. Renji winced as the pain in his head spiked. 

Without Renji noticing, Byakuya shifted his eyes just a bit to the right, inspecting his fukutaichou. He’d seen the other wince, and the way he’d been rubbing the bridge of his nose, as well as felt the sickish feeling of his reiatsu. It’d felt off for a couple of days, and he’d intended to bring it up with his fukutaichou after the meeting, but his reiatsu was feeling worse than ever right at the moment. 

Shifting his gaze and attention back to the meeting, Byakuya tuned in just in time to hear yet another squabble between Kyōraku-taichou and Kurotsuchi-taichou. It was times like these, that against all his logic, made him wonder what the point of coming to these meetings even was. 

“Oh, no need to embellish, Kurotsuchi-taichou, we all know you don’t really need a new facility, your department already takes up nearly 25% of the budget. You just want another so you can conduct more of those weird experiments of yours. If that’s what you mean you may as well just say it outright” said Kyōraku-taichou. His tone was smooth and friendly, not once betraying the meaning of his words. As well as a lazy smile and a slouched posture that at first glance would never reveal he was picking a fight. 

“...Shunsui…” Ukitake-taichou tried to interrupt, be instead he himself was interrupted. 

“WHAT! WHAT DO YOU MEAN TO IMPLY?” Kurotsuchi shouted, his loudest yet. It was just then Byakuya heard a groan from his left, as well as the dramatic reduction in his fukutaichou’s reiatsu. Eyes slightly widening, he turned to Renji.  
\----  
Renji had thought he’d be able to get through this meeting, but as the squabble between the two captains escalated, the worse his headache got. And then Kurotsuchi-taichou shouted, and he felt like his head had just been split open. Uttering a groan he couldn’t contain, the whole room started to spin, and then it went black.  
\----  
“Abarai-fukutaichou?” Byakuya had turned fully in his seat, inspecting Renji, who appeared to be passed out. 

Kurotsuchi had stopped mid shout, staring at the fukutaichou, “what’s wrong with him? Did he seriously fall asleep during a meeting? What a rude little-”

“Well,” Zaraki interrupted, “He was out drinking with some of my squad last night, must’ve had a little bit too much, eh? Hehe.”

There were mumbling from many present, but the voice to rise above all the others was Ukitake’s, “is he alright, Kuchiki-taichou?”

Byakuya hadn’t taken his eyes off Reni, but did so to address Ukitake, “I...am not sure. I’ve felt a disturbance in his reiatsu for some days, and it got worse through the duration of this meeting.” Many looks turned concerned as Byakuya continued, “Unohana-taichou, could you take a look at him?”  
\---  
Renji had no clue what was happening. Except that it hurt and he wanted it to end. And then he started getting flashes of something he couldn’t discern. And then the flashes became images, clearer and clearer as time went on. 

_A child with cropped red hair sitting around a dinner table with a women, a man, and a younger female child. Presumably a family, Renji thought.  
The red headed kid running through a field playing with the little girl, they looked incredibly happy. _

_And the blood, everywhere. The child being dragged through a house and thrown into a room. The adults from earlier, his parents, lay dead. Slashed to pieces. The girl cried in a corner._

Renji could feel the pain of the event, like he’d lost his parents. Like he’d lived through that. It was almost unbearable. He cried. 

_They were older now. The boy at least 11. He was beaten and weary, he looked like he’d lived through hell. And he had. Held captive for two years by the men who killed his parents, tormented brutally for entertainment. His sister was still alive, but slowly dying from disease and hunger._

_A few nights later, she died in his arms._

Renji felt it, and cried. 

_Even older now, 17 or 18. The boy had been freed years ago. But he still carried the burden. His hair was longer and messier now, his face hardened by tragedy and adulthood. He looks oddly familiar._

_And then he meets a women. She’s incredibly beautiful, passionate, understanding. He falls in love nearly instantly. They marry and have a child, a baby girl. He names her after his sister. And he is happy._

And Renji is happy. Because he can feel it. Like it happened to him. Like it were his own life. 

_But it doesn’t last. The man’s life seems to be a cycle of tragedy. A curse he simply can’t escape from. A war breaks out, a war too close to home._

_Soldiers invade their town. And soon, they invade their home. His wife and daughter are killed in front of him. Their blood soaking him. And still, he was too weak to save anybody. Even those closest to him. He was too weak. And the soldiers too cruel, as they let him live. Barely a stab wound and he recovers from it._

Renji can’t breath. The despair is choking him. Maiming him. The man is familiar. Renji knows who he is, but he can’t breath. There are tears streaming down his face. It feels like this really happened to him. 

_A week later, the man can move again. He thanks the doctor and takes his leave. Traveling back to his house is dangerous, but he doesn’t care. He holds no value for his life. When he finally makes it, he stands in front of his family’s graves for some time. Then he makes his way to a tree in their backyard. It holds many memories, his daughter loved to play on it, they would always have picnics under it. He collapses, crying. Crying until he can cry no more._

_Then, he retrieves a rope from his house, slings it around a branch. His last thoughts are of his family, his mother, father, sister, his wife and daughter. He’d lost everything. He couldn’t recover from it for a second time. There was nothing left for him. Nothing at all._

The last thing Renji sees is the sun setting and a silhouette of a man hanging. The sun glints off his bright red hair. He looks familiar...he looks like…  
\---  
“Abarai-fukutaichou! Can you hear me?”

Unohana had lowered Renji to the ground to better inspect him, the meeting hadn’t been officially called off yet, so all the captains and lieutenants remained. Some looking concerned, indifferent, or somewhere in between, depending on the person. 

“He doesn’t seem responsive, he’s definitely not just sleeping. As well, you were right, Kuchiki-taichou, something seems wrong with his reiatsu, it seems extremely disturbed and-” She was interrupted by Renji’s groans, then he started shaking. Not much more than tremors, but still concerning. 

“Unohana-taichou what’s going on?” Byakuya started, but was interrupted as Renji’s groans turned into words. 

“Stop. Please. Stop.” His voice sounded...broken. Emotionally disturbed. Was he...reliving something? Byakuya leaned forward to inspect him and was shocked enough to force a facial expression through his expressionless mask. Renji was crying. 

“What in the-” Byakuya started, but cut himself off midstance as Renji’s tremors increased dramatically until he started thrashing around. 

“Get away. GET AWAY. Please don’t hurt her. Please.” He was sobbing now, his eyes still closed and so much emotion in his voice, he sounded absolutely terrified and helpless. Something Byakuya had never seen Renji act like, and never thought he would. It sent an unexpected pang through his heart. 

“Help me hold him down, Kuchiki-taichou! Also, I need another pair of hands, anybody volunteer to help?”

Kira-fukutaicho came rushing up, “I will, I’ll help!” By now all the captains and lieutenants could see Renji was crying, and none of them left, too caught up in events to, as well as not officially being released by Yamamoto. Who so far had said nothing, his face inscrutable. 

Unohana place her hands over Renji, issuing a medical restraint kido to calm him and keep him in place, and he stilled. 

And then, faintly, but loud enough for everybody to hear, he uttered a soft, “no.” It sounded absolutely broken, the tone of a man who’d lost everything. Byakuya could not possibly fathom what was going on. He knew Renji, he knew of his background, and while it had been rough, nothing to suggest this type of behavior by reliving it.  
And then...nothing. He stilled and silenced completely. Unohana, Byakuya and Kira all leaned back. The room was silent. 

It felt as if someone was about to speak, or break the silence in some way. 

But then, Renji’s eyes snapped open, and he shot up with a gasp. Struggling to breathe and shaking. He looked up, panting slightly and refusing to make eye contact with anybody. Nobody said a word. 

Hanging his head, Renji breathed deeply. “...That’s...too sad.” A tear ran down his cheek. 

Byakuya decided to be the one to say something, “Abarai-fukutaichou.” But, no response. Renji never, ever ignored being addressed by his captain. Trying again, Byakuya said, more softly this time, “Renji.” Renji snapped his head up, looking Byakuya straight in the eyes, and the finally seeming to notice he was in a room full of captains and lieutenants, his eyes going wide. “What...what happened?” 

“You passed out and seemed to have a seizure.” Unohana explained, although leaving out quite a bit. Renji blinked, seeming to go a bit red. 

“A-ah. I’m so sorry. I must’ve been a real bother to you, Unohana-taichou, and everyone else. My apologies.” His voice was uneven, and he seemed deeply disturbed. No one said anything for a moment. And Byakuya decided to just ask what was on everyone’s minds, but mostly because he wanted to know for himself, as well, though he would never admit it, he was extremely concerned for his fukutaichou. 

“Renji,” snapping his head to him, Renji’s mouth dropped open a bit at the captains use of his first name and lack of honorifics. “What did you mean by “that’s too sad.”” He felt stirs and mumbling around the room. He didn’t want to mention what Renji had been saying during his episode, as well as the fact he’d been crying, not here in front of everyone. 

Just then, Renji’s face went white as though he’d remembered something awful. “Ah...well.” He was silent for a moment, then, sighing he said, “Well...It was really odd. I don’t really know what happened.” He paused for a moment, then continued in a softer voice, “But I can guess.” 

“Abarai-fukutaichou, can you please tell me what you think happened so I can do a better assessment of your condition? Of course after this we will take you to squad 4’s barracks to be examined, but I want to know what you think this was.” Unohana’s professional medical voice was hard to bargain with or deny. 

“Well...I was getting flashes. Of memories.” Unohana didn’t seem particularly surprised by this, which led him to suspect he may have said some things during his episode. “But,” he continued, “they weren’t my memories...technically.” He said the last part more softly than the rest. And this, Unohana-taichou seemed surprised by, as well as everybody else.

Squinting, Byakuya studied his fukutaichou, “what do you mean “technically?”” 

“Well...I think...I’m not one hundred percent sure but...I think…” Sighing he leaned his head back, closing his eyes for a moment, “I saw my past life.”

 

And this caused all the previous quiet officers in the room to start talking. 

 

“What? You never hear of that happening!” Hitsugaya-taichou exclaimed. 

“Hmm, how odd. What a rare occurrence.” Kurotsuchi-taichou said, inspecting Renji like he was some bacteria on a petri dish. Which was insanely creepy. 

“Yeah, well,” Renji interrupted the ramblings, “I’m pretty sure that’s what it was. He looked...just like me. And I felt everything he felt.” He leaned his head down, “and I don’t quite remember having my whole family murdered and being imprisoned and tortured in this lifetime.” 

Matsumoto-fukutaichou gasped, “Oh my god...that’s terrible.” Her sentiments seemed to spread throughout the room. Byakuya was one of the few who hadn’t commented. 

“Yeah, well, it’s even worse if you lived it,” Renji said. 

Unohana looked at him, “Abarai-fukutaichou, how are you feeling?” 

Refusing to meet her eyes Renji said, “well, my body feels like it’s been run over, my head is killing me, and I just saw myself commit suicide. So, not very good, to be perfectly honest,” no one said a word. Renji sighed, “I’m sorry. That was crass of me. I’m not feeling quite like myself.”

Unohana nodded, “that’s perfectly understandable. I’ve never come across something like this, so we may have to do a bit of research but I’ll do my best to help you, Abarai-fukutaichou.”

At that, Renji smiled a bit, “thank you, Unohana-Taichou.” Then he finally made a move to stand, Unohana and Byakuya rising with him. Kira had retreated back a while ago. 

“Uhm...I’m sorry for my disturbance of this meeting...Yamamoto-taichou,” Renji said, bowing. 

“It is alright, Abarai-fukutaichou, it is not something you had control over. As it happens, I have seen something like this happen before.” At that, Renji’s eyes widened, “Unohana-taichou, please come to me after Abarai-fukutaichou’s inspection, I will tell you all I know of the incident.” His elusiveness of the subject made Renji a bit nervous, and Byakuya as well. It felt like he was hiding something, something he didn’t want to say in front of everyone. “Everyone, you are dismissed. We will continue this meeting at a later date.” He paused, eyes shifting, ”also, no gossiping about this incident.” The last part seemed to be directed toward Kyōraku-taichou, who just responded with one of those lazy, suspicious smiles of his. Ukitake glanced at him from the side of his eye, sighing. 

Everyone bowed and filed out, leaving just Byakuya and Renji in the room, as Unohana had told Renj to take his time and she would head to squad 4 barracks and start the preparations herself. Byakuya volunteered to be the one to stay and escort Renji, which surprised Renji, who was sure his captain had much more important things to do. 

“Ah...Sorry, Taichou. I sure did cause a huge fuss,” Renji said, rubbing the back of his head. 

Unfazed, Byakuya answered, “It is just as Captain-Commander said, you were not at fault. You had no control over the proceedings. “

“Ah, well, doesn’t stop me from being embarrassed, though.” His voice betrayed him, though. There seemed to be much more on his mind rather than just his embarrassment. 

“Ren-Abarai-fukutaichou, how are you feeling?” Byakuya nearly winced at his informal slip, but kept his face schooled into it’s normal expression. Either Renji didn’t notice, which was doubtful, or just didn’t comment. 

“Well, pretty shitty I have to say. Man...It was awful... What a tragic life.” He face bespoke of pain, the pain of his past life was real to him now. “Well, at least I can thank the gods this one’s a bit more lucky, eh?” He said, trying to lighten the mood, smiling a bit. Byakuya wasn’t fooled, though, Renji’s eyes still seemed troubled. 

“Yes well, we ought to get going to squad 4 barracks so we don’t keep Unohana-taichou waiting.”

“Yes, of course,” Renji said, following Byakuya out. He couldn’t help but feel that perhaps his taichou was maybe just a little bit...worried for him.


End file.
